Friday, September 7, 2007

I'm thinking my dog just might be a zombie.

Once upon a time, I was mauled by a big dog.

I was four, and he plucked me off my Big Wheel and shook me like a ragdoll. I ran home, and I got a line of stiches on my right arm, and a cool scar that I carry to this day. It sucked, but I did get a 12" GI Joe during recovery, so it wasn't all bad, IMO. Never underestimate the power of toys in times of trauma.

I vowed never to own a dog. Ever.

Then I got married.

I married into a pair of pets (package deal, you see) and when it came time for me to choose a pet of my own, I wanted to start with something small, something that could never maul me.

Meet my puppy:

A googlie-eyed Pug with endless energy, and a love of water. This dog will take a shower or bath with you every single day if you let him. He has an older Pug brother that he spends his days with locked in eternal battle for either high ground or favorite toy.

Every so often, in an effort to protect our valued possessions, I stock up on new toys for him to chew on.

Here is his newest toy:

A nice little toy with two squeakers and a rope running through it for endless tug-of-war. I felt this was the perfect toy for them, it should last for quite a while, and I smugly went about my life.

36 hours later, I happened to find this toy on top of our comforter, except now it looked like this:

Oh my God. . . he sucked out it's brains!! There is almost no stuffing left in this thing. He even ate the squeaker.

I am afraid to sleep at night, I'll have to crate him before he kills again. . .how can I protect myself and my family?

The only thing I know about doing in zombies I learned on "Kolchack, The Night Stalker". It required packing it's mouth with salt and sewing the zombies lips shut, but that seems a tad cruel, and no way am I putting my fingers near his rows of fangs. The bite might cause me to become a zombie.

What to do?


S.O.S. said...

the pooch does have that "don't piss with me or I'll suck your brains out" look on his face in the second picture.

realtorwives said...

toys toys toys, zombie dogs love toys...

I can't help but chuckle reading your articles. My husband got suckered into buying me pets before we got married and now the rule is they ALL have to die before I get another one.

Good luck with zombie dog :)

insanity-suits-me (Dawn) said...

Hilarious! When my dog was a pup and she ate my brother-in-law's shoe. When he went to leave he had one shoe and one mangled piece of leather. I was so embarrassed! But she grew out of it and is now 12 years old which is a testament to my patience that she managed to reach this ripe old age!
Good Luck and keep a good supply of toys and rawhide handy!

Katy Shaw said...


Jackie said...

I've seen a trailer for the Canadian film, "Fido" in which they use these collars to tame the zombies. Sounds perfect, no? Just saying, you might want to look into it... :-p

Speedcat Hollydale said...

This is a Gremlin! Cute fellow, no doubt. To protect yourself, circle the "safe zone" with VETS canned dog food.

Anonymous said...

I love pugs! Especially zombie pugs!

Beth said...

I laugh because obviously I have a cocker spaniel zombie - I gave him a new toy yesterday and the brains and butt were gone in an hour (what to say he likes to be spanked as well...)
Sometimes I just look at him and say,"that boy ain't right...)

meleah rebeccah said...

ha ha ha...

I have a total fear of dogs too. No matter how small and seemingly harmless they appear, I am forever terrified they will bite my face off.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

I say you encourage him to bite you.

A Zombie blog would be a really cool niche.

GorillaSushi said...

I agree with Speedcat Hollydale - he looks exactly like Gizmo from Gremlins. You didn't feed him after midnight did you?

Sarcasm Abounds said...

Jackie - I'll have to check out that "Fido" movie, sounds perfect.