Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Attention Babies!


This is an open letter to all babies, present and future:


Yes, very cute. Now stop posing for a photo op every 10 seconds and crawl over here. I want to talk to you. No, we can play Peek-A-Boo later. You adults can stay too, if you like.

*Sigh* You babies these days have sooooo easy. I just finished shopping for a gift for a friend's new baby off her registry, (which BTW was 18 pages! What, is this baby taking a voyage overseas, she needs 100 sets of jumpers?) and picked an item off this list that met my "appropriate gift size", in the $30-50 range, and looks huge wrapped. A blanket.

One blanket cost $35 bucks? For a baby? Come on! And no, I didn't bring my better half, I want to get out of Babies R Us for under $200, thank you.

Then I found this blanket.

Have you seen this thing? This blanket almost defies proper description. So soft, so fuzzy, so cuddly. The nerve endings in my fingers began to short-circuit from sensation overload. If pure joy could be rendered into tangible form, it would be this blanket!

I held it to my face for several minutes. A man. Alone in a baby store. I'm sure the nearby shoppers thought me a deranged Pedo, but I didn't really care, I was communing with the softest element in the known universe, even softer than a puppy's belly. . .

Which brings me back to you, babies. Stop chewing that! Here, chew on the froggy rattle.

Awww. . .

Where was I? Oh, right.

Look, this blanket is far too soft for you to appreciate. My baby blanket wasn't nearly this soft! My mother unearthed it out a couple of years ago, and in comparison, it feels like rough spun burlap drug thru a gravel pit. And, it's not like I was born in a cave, it was the '70s! Back then, adults knew better than to coddle us. Or cover electric sockets.

I can tell you right now, if my blanket had been this soft, I never would have matured past the larval stage. I would have just lain my chubby pink body on this blanket, weak from atrophy, until I expired from pure ecstasy. Much like a shmoo. You babies are too young to know what a shmoo is, but I am dead sure that Disney will buy the rights sooner or later, and resurrect the mighty schmoo! In digital format, starring Brad and Angelina, no doubt. But I digress. . .

In conclusion babies, this blanket is no good for you! The world, in fact, life in general is not like this blanket. It's harsh and itchy and covered in bacteria! Just like my old blanket! Best get used to it now, so the shock won't overwhelm your proto-brain when it finally shows up to break your favorite toy. Please, give your blanket to an adult, who really needs this amazing softness as an escape from the harsh reality.

I'm telling you this for your own good. No. . .please don't cry. . .*sigh* Alright, fine, keep it then, pouty face! You are such a baby. . .

SA

16 comments:

Paula the Surf Mom said...

I understand this post... times 2 cos i have twins

Speedcat Hollydale said...

My own blanket at home is dumb! (the stuffing all moved to the end)
The pillow is still OK :-)

Joanne said...

HAHA! Love your ending line.

That baby is way cute. 35 bucks for blanket is pretty steep. I have a friend who knits really well, but still...a fuzzy blanket is of its own kind, definitely. A couple years ago I got this stuffed animal from Tokyo (mind you, I outgrew stuffed animals sleeping with me in bed since middle school)....but let me tell you, this Japanese stuffed animal was SO cute, and more importantly...SO SOFT! It's a weakness, lols.

S.O.S. said...

"I can tell you right now, if my blanket had been this soft, I never would have matured past the larval stage. I would have just lain my chubby pink body on this blanket, weak from atrophy, until I expired from pure ecstasy. Much like a shmoo."

LOL!! That was my favorite part of the post

Julia Stonestreet Smith said...

somehow havng babies has "forced" me to collect A LOT of blankets...

for them or me?

it's a mystery!

Certifiable (Ann) said...

You are too funny! I know exactly what you mean though! These baby blankets along with every other thing in the world...designed to make life better, easier, happier, more comfortable etc... until the human race cannot do for themselves anymore. They are pretty damn soft though...

Erika said...

Perhaps we should develop a line of t-shirts that read "I survived being a baby in the 70's" or something with a bit more hilarity to it (I'm still on my first cup of coffee).

Serina Hope said...

haha I love it.

fishwithoutbicycle said...

...so now you have a blankie...???? Hmmm, have you considered cashmere? Admittedly it may not be QUITE as soft as the baby blanket, but it's pretty damn good, especially when it comes from high enough on the goat belly :-)

Oh, The Joys said...

The problem with these blasted babies is they just don't do what you tell them! It's like they don't UNDERSTAND or they can't WALK or something. Psh.

Jackie said...

Dude. I was born in the 70's too and even I'm too young to remember the Schmoo.
Love this post - you crack me up! So glad I found your blog! :-)

Sara said...

I miss my blanky.

insanity-suits-me (Dawn) said...

Me thinks I never had a blanky! Maybe that's why I'm so cranky! Hmmmm... think it's too late?

Rolando said...

Wow, you had blankets? I had rice sacks as blankets and rocks as pillows.

Glad the world and my life has improved since then with our new $1600 bed set. Yikes!

Harsh world indeed. I'd be o.k. with a $35 blanket and hard wood floors, hahaha.

Good post!

Nim said...

I don't think we have blankets like that in England.

The schmoo though!! We had the schmoo! Not seen a schmoo for years. (How many times can you say schmoo in one post before schmoo sounds sillier and siller..?)

schmoo.

:o))

Sarcasm Abounds said...

Keep up all these shmoo mentions, and I will capture the entire underserved shmoo-lovers demographic traffic here.

I'll get Adsense going, and the shmoo click-thrus will keep me on easy street!

Course, if I had a shmoo, I'd already be on easy street. . .

SA