Attention Babies!

This is an open letter to all babies, present and future:

Yes, very cute. Now stop posing for a photo op every 10 seconds and crawl over here. I want to talk to you. No, we can play Peek-A-Boo later. You adults can stay too, if you like.

*Sigh* You babies these days have sooooo easy. I just finished shopping for a gift for a friend's new baby off her registry, (which BTW was 18 pages! What, is this baby taking a voyage overseas, she needs 100 sets of jumpers?) and picked an item off this list that met my "appropriate gift size", in the $30-50 range, and looks huge wrapped. A blanket.

One blanket cost $35 bucks? For a baby? Come on! And no, I didn't bring my better half, I want to get out of Babies R Us for under $200, thank you.

Then I found this blanket.

Have you seen this thing? This blanket almost defies proper description. So soft, so fuzzy, so cuddly. The nerve endings in my fingers began to short-circuit from sensation overload. If pure joy could be rendered into tangible form, it would be this blanket!

I held it to my face for several minutes. A man. Alone in a baby store. I'm sure the nearby shoppers thought me a deranged Pedo, but I didn't really care, I was communing with the softest element in the known universe, even softer than a puppy's belly. . .

Which brings me back to you, babies. Stop chewing that! Here, chew on the froggy rattle.

Awww. . .

Where was I? Oh, right.

Look, this blanket is far too soft for you to appreciate. My baby blanket wasn't nearly this soft! My mother unearthed it out a couple of years ago, and in comparison, it feels like rough spun burlap drug thru a gravel pit. And, it's not like I was born in a cave, it was the '70s! Back then, adults knew better than to coddle us. Or cover electric sockets.

I can tell you right now, if my blanket had been this soft, I never would have matured past the larval stage. I would have just lain my chubby pink body on this blanket, weak from atrophy, until I expired from pure ecstasy. Much like a shmoo. You babies are too young to know what a shmoo is, but I am dead sure that Disney will buy the rights sooner or later, and resurrect the mighty schmoo! In digital format, starring Brad and Angelina, no doubt. But I digress. . .

In conclusion babies, this blanket is no good for you! The world, in fact, life in general is not like this blanket. It's harsh and itchy and covered in bacteria! Just like my old blanket! Best get used to it now, so the shock won't overwhelm your proto-brain when it finally shows up to break your favorite toy. Please, give your blanket to an adult, who really needs this amazing softness as an escape from the harsh reality.

I'm telling you this for your own good. No. . .please don't cry. . .*sigh* Alright, fine, keep it then, pouty face! You are such a baby. . .

SA