Friday, September 14, 2007

Serial Killer Causes Awkward Moment in a Marriage

My wife woke up from a dead sleep, no doubt from the disturbing sounds emanating from our TV. I was sitting at the end of the bed, watching it from 3 feet away. She had just caught me watching my secret passion.

Slowly, she sat up, then crawled to where I sat, over a pile of protesting Pugs. (Say that 5 times fast.)

"Why are you watching this?" She said, rubbing her eyes.

"I like it, I think it's fascinating," I replied. A nude figure appears upon the screen.

"Aren't you cold?" She asked.

Perhaps this would be the appropriate time to tell you I was in the nude, eating a chocolate pudding pack. "Mmm no, I'm okay," I said, scraping the spoon in the plastic cup to pick up any chocolate I missed. Delicious!

What?? I was snackish, and it was too hot for jammies. . .

Turning her attention back to the TV, she watched for a moment before asking another question.

"Who is that man?"

"That's Dexter," I responded. "He's the antihero of this show."

"Why does he have that other naked man wrapped in plastic?"

"It's part of his ritual," I said attempting to spare her the details.

"And who's that man on the table?" She asked.

"A vicious serial killer."

"I've never seen you watch this before," she frowned.

"Well, I know it's not your cup of tea," I replied. I usually waited until she was asleep before I pulled it up.

"Um, why does Dexter have that saw. .?" She said slowly, as the scene before us began to play out.

I shifted uncomfortably for a moment before replying; "Well, Dexter there is going to pass judgement on Mr. Sicko killer here, deliver his monologue, and then merrily saw him into little bits while festive music plays."

She paused for a long moment. "He's a serial killer too?"

"Oh yeah, but for justice. He only kills serial killers," I said, then added "Mostly."

"Let me get this straight. Dexter is a serial killer who chops people up, and you find this funny? That's awful," she exclaimed, glaring at me.

"Well, gee when you put it that sounds a little disturbing. But really, it's so much more!" I went on to explain the complex relationships Dexter has to weave through, the great internal dialogue, his damaged beginnings and why the unfolding story arc was brilliant. Not since "Profit" got pulled has this type of dark dramedy been allowed to exist.

I could tell that this explanation had about the same effect as a man trying to explain to his wife that he only reads Playboy for the articles.

"Look honey, it's just a show, why don't you go back to sleep?" I pleaded.

She looked at me sideways. "I think there's something wrong with you," she said.

Dexter ended, and I switched off the TV, and crawled back into bed.

She tossed back and forth for awhile, and just as sleep began to overtake me...

"I can't sleep now," she grumped. Then: "I think I heard a noise. Did you check the locks?"

"Yes," I said, from beyond full awareness.

She shifted some more. "Go check again. I don't want to get hacked up in our sleep."

Groan. "Fine." I shuffled of into the darkness, using my bat-like senses to keep from barking my shins on our furniture.

When I trudged back, I find her still awake. I jump in, roll over, and as blissful sleep begins to overtake me, I hear: "You went all the way downstairs and you didn't get me a pudding pack?" she pouted.


No rest for the wicked . . .


(come on, for a second, you thought I was watching SkinaMax, didn't you? Sickos ;)


Amy said...

ok, yeah I did.

Sarcasm Abounds said...

Ha! I knew it.


Random Magus said...

That was funny! Watching the vigilante serial killer in secret!

BOSSY said...

That's not Dexter - that's David Fisher.

Anonymous said...

Great story. I love that show. It's hard to explain... it's so bizarre that it just sucks you in.

LadyPyrate said...

Yeah it did cross my mind....but only for a fleeting moment hehe....great blog!

Meghan said...

Nope - the title kinda tipped me off that it wasn't softcore porn.

This is really funny, because my poor husband suffers the same scrutiny. Not about shows like Dexter (which I quite like), but about his morbid curiosity that takes him all over the web reading about serial killers and other dregs of society. I suppose I should give him a break since he was a Criminology major... but so much of it is just so ICK.

I'd much rather find him watching porn.

insanity-suits-me (Dawn) said...

ok i admit it... I think you had us all...anyway..."bat like senses"? LOL

Julia Stonestreet Smith said...

hey a pisces you should be careful about the images you allow into your mind...could affect you terribly...OR NOT!


the domestic minx said...

Oh I do wish that little Dexter fellow was on over here.
I too would be watching him in the dark, sans clothing, chocolate pudding smearing my spider senses, my husband snorting in disgruntlement at my dark and diabolical viewing choices...
Alas, I must content myself with reruns of Six Feet Under...

Jackie said...

I hope you went back to get her a pudding pack! ;-)

Beth said...

I personally love that show - luckily so does my husband so I don't have to watch it alone in the dark...

meleah rebeccah said...

And that is exactly why I don't watch that show. way toooo scary for me!

Joanne said...

You tell really good stories, haha. Hmmm, not a big fan of scary movies and that seems to serve as a magnet because all my friends are conspiring to get me to watch Resident Evil.

Anonymous said...

My favorite = barked my shins.

By the way, how many rewrites of your post did you have to do before you felt comfortable with it? Two, three, or 10? I'm starting to think it's not proper unless you re-write it over and over and over and over and over again.


Sarcasm Abounds said...

Bossy - Yes it's strange, he spends a lot of his character's lives around bodies, but I think he was born to play this part.

Karen - I totally agree.

Meghan - Really? Tell us more...

Julia - Where did I give myself away as a Pisces?

Jackie - Of course. The peace must be kept.

Meleah and Joanne - I too found things like this scary, but I changed my mindset. Some might call it desensitizing. . .

Random Magus, Lady Pyrate, Dawn and Madame Minx - Thanks!

Dating Tales - Well, I have a long drive time, so I usually work it out on my trip. Then it's usually a draft for a day or so while I mull it over and correct my many grammatical errors.

You should see what I dont subject you to. :)


jon said...

"Let me get this straight. Dexter is a serial killer who chops people up, and you find this funny? That's awful," she exclaimed, glaring at me.

I get this response all the time. I actually like the show. I can't help it, and as far as I'm concerned I'm as normal as they get . . . it's every one else that's a bit disturbed.

Sarcasm Abounds said...

Agreed, Jon. Keep your eye on everyone, there is something about them that's not quite right.


Anonymous said...

I LOVE Dexter, in bed, in the dark. He is my secret too, but I have no one to hide him from. Enjoy!