Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Are you there God? It's me, Sarcasm

Hi God,

I know I don't come calling often, and when I do, it's because I want something. Sorry, but that's the deal. I mean really, what can you get for an omnipotent being? Socks?

Look, here's the reason I am invoking your attentions today. I want to talk to you about the fairness of biology.

I realized some time ago that I was never going to reach six feet tall. I can live with that, I am still the tallest male my family have produced in at least 150 years.

I furthermore realize that my swimmers body has gone to seed with my own innattention to excercise and love of guacamole, but I'm working on it.

Now my red hair has gone grey, leaving me with a dusty brown pelo. It's kind of distinguished, I think. I was hoping for more of a Dashell Hammett silver on the sides with silky locks on top, but it looks okay. I was rather hoping to look that way when I was in my mid-40's, but I am not vain enough to rub shoe polish in it.

Now...I have reached my tolerance limit with your so-called biology. While recieving a haircut from a heartless harpy (say that five times fast), she uttered the words that turned my blood to icewater: "You know, we do have some shampoo products for men with thinning hair...?" Gaaa! Nooooooooooooooo!

Look, I understand that my paternal and maternal grandfathers were both shiny bald and that this day might come, but not yet! I've been taking care of these folicles!

To be honest, I hadn't noticed. I have a busy life, and I hadn't obsessed about my hair since the days when I went to clubs four nights a week. However, I refuse to yield in this issue, and I plan to defy your will on this! There will be a victory of science over God here, and if a lotion/potion/poultice/torniquet exists will do the trick, I'm so there.

However, if it comes down to joining the Pubic Hair Club for Men or strapping a dead animal to my head...well...then usher me in the Bald Brotherhood.

And God... if I take your name in vain (a lot) during these trying times, please don't judge me too harshly.



Jackie said...

Here's to hoping God is in a giving mood ;-)

meleah rebeccah said...

ha ha ha ha ha... you are back! In full snark swing.

I have to agree with Jackie!

Speedcat Hollydale said...

You know, I am a member in your hair club too. I cover my head with a green bowl. (really)

How ya been, Speedy

Anonymous said...

You are as cute as a bugs ear..I don't know what that means but you really are so cute...so your hair should not be a problem..bald is in..although you are not anyway near that yet..keep it short..it does look cute...just don't start wearing a hat..that just looks silly...


LOBO said...

I always thought about shaving my head and polishing it: if you can blind God, 12:00 noon is the REAL witching hour.

--And don't get me wrong. I love God. But He always gets something really complicated when we order takeout ...

DrowseyMonkey said...

You have a really cute face, so if you do go bald, there will just be more of it to see.

mickie said...

Hi! First time here, great blog. Found you via Chickaboomer. I am truly sorry for your dilema but as others have said, you're cute so it won't matter much (to us girls) if you go bald but I have to say I laughed my arse off at that racoon photo. Excellent!

Mark Dykeman said...

I dunno, I think the raccoon is using you in that pic. Maybe he's got a feeding tube stuck in your skull or something.